He Forgot to be My Lover . . .

I love my boyfriend . . . God KNOWS I do . . . it's just sometimes, I have to remind myself of that fact. You see he frustrates me because he forgets that I have needs outside of just "relationship maintenance." What is relationship maintenance you ask? Well being that we are in a long distance relationship . . . maintaining what we have means phone calls every day, updating each other on the parts of our lives that the other isn't privy to, mini-getaways, couples activities, and frequent visits. That's the basics of it. Now I cherish all of those aspects dearly . . . but there is no romance or passion in any of them. I miss romance. . . I miss passion. I am reminded of the quote from the old Charles and Fiona skit:

"Oh, Charles — a woman needs certain things. She needs to be loved, wanted, cherished, sought after, wooed, flattered, cosseted, pampered. She needs sympathy, affection, devotion, understanding, tenderness, infatuation, adulation, idolatry — that isn't much to ask, is it, Charles"

Yeah . . . sounds like a lot . . . and some of it may not be absolutely necessary . . . but dammit Fiona had a valid point! Women need to know they are wanted . . . that they mean something to the one they are with. This being the case, the occasional romantic gesture is a MUST! To be honest, I can't say that my boyfriend has ever been romantic. . . so when I say I miss romance I can't really say that I miss it from him because he's never given it to me . . . I guess I just miss it in general. It's like this . . . once you've had someone do all those things Fiona told Charles about (and yes I've definitely experienced them in every relationship besides this one) . . . it's HARD to all of a sudden NOT have them. It's hard to go from being the source of adoration . . . to JUST a girlfriend. It all boils down to this . . . my boyfriend is my best friend . . . the greatest pal I have . . . but he isn't my lover. And to be honest when you're in a relationship . . . you have to be friends AND lovers . . . not just one or the other. It's sad but I often feel as if I am missing out on something . . . and that is not a feeling you want when you're committed to someone. We talk about being married . . . but I keep asking myself . . . am I willing to sacrifice never having romance for the rest of my life? Seems like a dull, passionless existence. The lack of romance has effected me and the way I interact with him as well. For example . . .lovemaking is a either a chore or something I do to fulfill my own selfish desires. I don't care about pleasing him because he doesn't care about pleasing me. Sad . . . but true. You see, I realize that one has to get to give . . . and I have done some very romantic things for him . . . from writing poetry, to special little gifts, to just getting him things that he needs but doesn't realize he needs. However I rarely if EVER get any of that in return. And YES I have told him (way before it got to this point) about the lack of romance and my need for it. It just obviously didn't matter enough for him to actually do anything about it. I mean really . . . you can't do NOTHING and call it love . . . or at least you shouldn't! It's just what we have has become severely unbalanced and I am starting to resent him for it. Of course there are several other issues dealing with trust and honesty that are certainly not helping this situation. However, I just don't feel that I'm wrong for wanting to feel wanted. I don't think I'm wrong for wanting love to be an action word. I don't think I'm wrong for wanting my man to remember that he's not only my friend . . . but also my lover.

Just Say When

I sit at home and wait as anxious as a child on Christmas Eve. I move uneasily around my house, as I try to prepare myself to see him, unable to control this nervous energy that's building up inside of me. I’ve waited for him countless times before, yet it never changes. . . I am always as excited, impatient, and anxious as I was the very first time we met. I keep glancing at the door waiting for his shadow to appear outside of it. And when it finally does my heart starts beating relentlessly as the butterflies in my stomach start to dance. I let him in and watch him make an entrance. And when I say entrance I mean ENTRANCE. It’s like in the movies when he comes into the room. Everything around him just slows down or completely stops and I am left unaware of anyone or anything except for his presence. And what a presence it is. He walks with a prideful swagger. . .manly chest poked out. . .strong shoulders back. . .head lifted to the heavens. Looking like nothing less than royalty. And royal he is. He is my King. When we're out together, everyone else around notices him too. They turn and stare at this regal phenomenon. . .this enigma of a man. And they are taken aback. . .you see he has this blinding light that surrounds him wherever he goes. And people are drawn to this light like a moth to the flame. And they desire the light he has within. . .they long for it. . .lust after it . . .but they can’t have it. Though, it is not mine to give or to keep. . . I know that those people only WANT it. . .and you see it’s different for me because I NEED it, and it is my belief that God created it for only me. Call me selfish if you like, but let them seek another source of illumination for this one is my portion and my fate. To put it bluntly. . .they can step off. . .because the man is MINE! But I can’t blame them for being spellbound by the allure of him. He just has that special something. And that something has kept me up many a late night writing about it in poetic verse. That something has made me cry tears of happiness and joy just for the opportunity to experience it. That something has from day one, kept me on the phone for hours at a time talking about everything and nothing. That something has made me reveal all my innermost secrets without any thought of repercussions. That something has transformed me from a lowly caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly. I thank GOD for that something and for the man that possesses it. You see you might not understand this if you’ve never experienced a man who can make your heart stop when he smiles . . . or break it into million pieces with the most subtle hint of displeasure or pain. You might not get it if you’ve never looked into a man’s eyes and seen forever. And I have done just that. And when I saw forever in his eyes, it scared me to say the least . . . because I had never even seen tomorrow in the eyes of those before him. So forever, to me, was astounding. But now, with it clearly in my vision I am comforted. I look at this man and I want to love him, kiss him, comfort him, hold him, honor him, cherish him, watch him sleep, take care of him, pray with him, stand before God and my mama and marry him, hold his hand in the delivery room as I scream curses at him, fuss about our kids with him, argue about money with him, grow old with him. I want it all WITH HIM. But right now I can’t have it. It is beyond my reach . . .and it isn’t because I’m not struggling with all my might to grasp it . . .but because circumstance with it’s cold and pitiless hands is holding me from it . . . scolding me and saying. . . “No, not yet. . .” And I am left to wonder. . . “but if not now. . .when.” But I must say that questioning circumstance as to "when" is much better than questioning God as to "who." I just feel like I’ve waited so long and now it’s so close. . .but like a child hitting a piñata . . .I never can really touch it. So I bide my time and spend our limited but profound moments together trying to fill myself up with enough memories and love to sustain me until our next encounter. And soon after he’s arrived and made his grand entrance I’ll end up having to watch him depart and I won’t feel the giddiness that I felt at first. Instead as I see him walk away in all his regal grace I will feel something between distress and longing because he doesn’t know just how much I love him and even if he did, he isn’t prepared to answer my question of “when.”

Sometimes you must lose in order to gain . . .

This weekend will mark the 1 year anniversary of me falling ill and losing my hearing ability in my left ear. Yes I have been, what is called monaural (only having one hearing ear) for an entire year! I recall all of it so vividly. Of course I’m not going to reminisce and give recaps about that as it wasn’t the best time of my life and there is no reason for revisiting or celebrating it. However, I can celebrate the fact that even though I suffered . . . I lived through it and found the meaning behind it. What is the meaning? Well for one I am much more appreciative of those who love me, I never could have made it through all these trials without their love, support, and encouragement. I also realized that I need to take better care of myself. I now make sure that I get and keep routine physicals and I watch what I eat and exercise frequently. So yes, I lost my hearing . . . but I gained a better perspective on how I should be living my life. All this being said . . . I’m still battling weight loss. After losing my hearing I was placed on steroids (injections AND pills) for a long period of time. These things totally messed up my metabolism and made me eat like CRAZY. I gained sooo much weight that I even had a moon face (which is a common side effect of the steroids). Now I’m slowly getting rid of all the weight that I gained. I honestly haven’t lost as much as I think that I should . . . but I’m losing nonetheless. For a long time I was stuck at an 11 pound loss . . . this week I made it to a 14 pound loss . . . so that’s 3 more pounds that I hope are gone forever, lol. Slowly but surely I will make it to my goal of a 30 pound loss and who knows maybe I’ll even go beyond. Right now I’m happy with the progress that I am making (***hooray for small victories***) and I hope to continue on the path towards success and do what I have to do to be a better me.

There is no joy in repetition . . .

I pride myself in my ability to think clearly when problems arise. However, this ability is often negated by my emotions. Example: last night I cursed my boyfriend out . . . and beyond all the nicely strewn together curse words . . . what I was really trying to say is “I need you to be there for me tonight.” I’m sure that was not the message he got. You see being that we are in a long distance relationship I have this non-negotiable need to hear his voice on a daily basis. When I don’t hear from him the distance between us seems longer and I end up feeling unloved, uncared for, and worst of all . . . forgotten. I also get a bit paranoid . . . and I think he’s lying in a ditch somewhere with his death trap/crotch rocket lying on top of him. So yes, I’m not perfect . . . I can be needy, paranoid, and irrational all at the same time. What really hurt was the fact that during the conversation he made it seem as if I liked arguing and that I nagged him (that's what actually led to the curse out). After hanging up in his face, I really had to dig deep and examine myself. Do I like to argue? Am I a nag? Well this is what I came up with:

I don’t like to argue. I end up getting way too angry and making myself sick (I have stress-induced migraines). However, I WILL stand up for myself when I feel as if I am not being heard or taken seriously. Is that argumentative of me? Our misunderstanding last night triggered those feelings. He knows how I feel about us taking time daily to connect with each other, yet he constantly slacks off in this area . . . always having some kind of excuse for why he didn’t call or why he couldn’t talk when I called. Now granted, he may not need daily phone conversations to feel connected to me . . . but he’s known for a very long time that I need them, and he has never expressed any problem with it before. If he knows this . . . and still fails to do it . . . then that’s saying to me that he does not care about my needs. This angers me because I do my best to take care of his needs within our relationship. He thinks that because we spend most of our weekends together, and that we send an occasional email or instant message during work . . . that he’s done enough. And while I do appreciate those things immensely . . . it still does not make up for the distance between us . . . and me not feeling connected when we're apart and the wondering if he is safe when I don't hear from him. I don’t want our contact with each other to be a nuisance and I don't want him to feel I am using it to keep some sort of leash on him . . . I want it because I genuinely care about him and need to feel that I am still a part of him even when he is away and I need to know everyday that he is ok. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

As for the nagging, I don’t think I nag. To be sure I looked it up. It is defined as “to bother someone consistently with trivial complaints” . . . “to worry persistently” . . . “to remind or urge constantly” . . . “to constantly find fault.” I took the words persistent, consistent, and constant as the key words in the definitions. Apparently repetitiveness is the backbone of nagging. So basically nagging is telling a person anything he/she does not want to hear more than once. Well damn . . . I guess I do nag. I am persistently, consistently, and constantly demanding him to do something (daily phone calls) that he obviously has not done because he doesn’t think that it should be done . . . or doesn’t think it is important enough to do. This could have been avoided if, in the beginning, he would have just said he could not live up to my standard of talking daily, instead of leading me to believe that it was something he was capable of and would like to do. I personally refuse to sit around and allow something to bother me without confronting the issue and dealing with it (often relentlessly). I’m supposed to sit around and be unhappy . . . while my clueless significant other keeps doing things to either unintentionally or intentionally hurt me? Won’t happen! I’m going to say something (usually very nicely) when the issue arises. . . but if there is a second time . . . it’s nagging just because I’ve said it before . . .and you didn’t do a thing about it? C’mon . . . nagging is obviously a word made up by men to account for their absentmindedness, nonchalance, and carelessness. So what’s the word when they do the same thing . . . well it goes like this . . . women nag, men instruct. LOL! What a double standard! Rarely do I have to be “instructed” more than once. Why? It's because I listen to him when he says something the FIRST time . . . there’s no need to revisit a subject with me because out of love and respect I listen and make it clear if I can comply when the issue has been raised. His simple requests don’t go unnoticed . . . and they don’t HAVE to turn into demands, nagging, or more “instructing” because they were attended to at the beginning.

All of this boils down to basic physics: “for every ACTION . . . there is an equal and opposite REACTION.” The action was him agreeing to do something but not doing it . . . and the reaction was my supposed nagging and the eventual build-up of emotion (read: the curse-out) because of it. Boy do I feel justified in my behavior now, lmao! Thanks a lot Newton! I'm sure we'll work this out . . . this isn't even the biggest thing we've had to deal with so far. This is just one of those small bumps on the road to happily every after. He's still an a**hole though . . .lmao!

Throwback Thursday: To You

(I wrote this a long time ago, saved it as a draft, and never posted it)

I know that some things are better left unsaid. I have mastered the art of saying things and wishing that I could take back the phrases and lock them away in my memory. However I don’t really know you yet . . . and I don’t know that I will ever really know you. So I figure I can just say whatever I want and if you choose to use my openness to close me then that will be your burden to bear. The thing is . . . I haven’t done anything since you left but wait for you to come back. Is that too much for you? I hope not. You see I am constantly thinking of you. It amazes me how quickly you broke down my resistance . . . and how you left me feeling like the world had been pulled from beneath me. My body is in a perpetual state of unrest. What was it that you did to me? Well we both know what you did. But what can you do for me besides that . . . since that is an act that has already been explored, and holds an end result that I could probably attain myself (though it would be a lot less riveting). Seriously did you come just so that you could cum? I realize that is a possibility . . . though it pains me to think that there may be truth to it.

It’s just that I’ve started this plan to de-complicate my life. And I have begun weighing the liability in every situation. So that is why I ask what it is that you can do for me. If pleasures of the flesh are all that you have to offer then you are of no use to me. Don’t misunderstand; I am not looking for anything of substance from you. However I do not choose to have carnal desires be my only connection with a person, it would be much easier to hire a gigolo. Someone to delight me then leave before his spirit gets comfortable. When you interact more with a person, you risk the chance of them transferring bits and pieces of themselves to you. It’s amazing how something as simple as sex can do that. I don’t want bits and pieces of someone who doesn’t plan to stick around and help me sort them out. So even though I crave you I certainly don’t need you in that way.

It is true that I have said that I need to love and be loved in the most naïve and cinematic sense . . . and that I need something permanent to throw my temporary self into . . . but I am not quite sure if I require those things from you. I just need to know your intentions. What purpose does all this hold for you? I don’t like surprises . . . I need you to be upfront. Is conquest your purpose? If so, your mission has been accomplished and I suppose a response is not necessary. If hurting me is your purpose . . . know that it’s not very hard to do . . . I am already cracked . . . it won’t take much to break me.

My Elliptical Love Affair

I use my NordicTrack Elliptical Trainer as my main source for cardio workout. I usually ellipt (if that’s a word) about an hour a day 4 to 5 days a week. I have it set on the highest incline . . . and I use the fitness coach/trainer that is programmed on the machine. The fitness coach/trainer gives you the option of 4 different pre-programmed workouts, 1 being the easiest and 4 being the most difficult. Each workout is 30 minutes long and the levels of resistance vary throughout the 30 minutes . . . there’s also a gauge for your level of activity and the level of activity that the fitness coach wants you to reach . . . your goal throughout the workout is to keep your gauge at the same level as that of the fitness coach. I don’t always accomplish that goal, but I do my best. My particular elliptical has the moving handle bars so that you may pump your arms while ellipting(?) and also a set of handle bars that don’t move but serve as a heart rate monitor (which I never use). There are also some other programmed workouts that ask for your age but I’m not familiar with those as I don’t use them. You can also download more workouts off of the internet onto the machine . . . but I don’t do that either.

What do I like about the elliptical?

- I can drag it in front of the TV(it has wheels on the front) and complete my workout all while watching missed reruns of Half and Half on my Tivo.

- My legs are more toned and my butt is firmer since I’ve made the elliptical a staple in my fitness regimen.

- I get a similar workout as jogging without putting stress on my joints.

- Holding the moving handle bars help me to get a full body workout and not holding them makes my abs work slightly harder.

- It’s good for interval training. I can go at a steady pace then speed up to a more intense pace.

- The speed is determined by my own movement.

Diet Sabotage: No More Excuses

I do pretty well with my diet during the weekdays. I take healthy snacks with me to work, drink plenty of water, pick healthy things out in the cafeteria for lunch, and prepare healthy dinners at home. It is the weekends that totally mess me up. I spend most of my weekends with my boyfriend. He claims that he’s trying to lose weight as well . . . but he is WAY more relaxed with his weight loss than I tend to be. I guess he can afford to be . . . he lost about 15 pounds just by moving around more throughout the day . . . whereas I’ve been working my ass off on the damn elliptical and have yet to lose that much. But that’s how it is with men . . . they tend to make slight changes and star losing right away. During our time together on the weekends we sometimes eat terribly. I eat whatever he eats and let’s just say that he doesn’t make the wisest food choices. That has to stop! If I want to make continual progress I’m going to need to stop eating things that jeopardize my weight loss. I’m going to have to let him have whatever calorie-filled fat-inducing goodness he chooses and pick something that will benefit me in the long run.

I’ve also sustained a muscle injury. Some kind of way I seem to have pulled the muscle in the upper portion of my left leg. I’ve been hopping around for 3 weeks. I keep hoping it will heal on its own . . . but I am thinking that I may end up having to go see my physician. It’s really frustrating because I got this injury the moment I re-started my weight training routine. Needless to say, I put the weights down for the last 3 weeks . . . and I’ve only been getting on the elliptical. I think I will start doing some upper body strength training while my leg heals.

Another way I am sabotaging myself is through ice cream. Since it has warmed up I seem to have this irresistible craving for ice cream. I try to satisfy it by buying low fat ice cream snacks (skinny cow ice cream sandwiches are delish) . . . but I must admit I’ve bought (and finished off) a couple of the pints of the good (fatty) stuff. I just couldn’t resist Blue Bell’s Cake Batter Ice Cream . . . I mean it was like two of my favorite things in one . . . I love cake and I love ice cream . . . and when I was little I loved “licking the spoon” after my mom finished mixing up the cake batter. So Cake Batter Ice Cream was something I just HAD to have . . . . and let me tell you it was soooo good . . . but soooo bad for my diet. I won’t be buying it any more (I’m lying, maybe I’ll get it once a month).

All this being said . . . it hasn’t been TOTAL sabotage. My weight has stayed pretty constant through all the junk I’ve been putting in my body. If I were at my goal weight I would be very happy with that . . . but because I have at least 20 more pounds to lose . . . I can’t delight in that small victory. I did lose 1 more measly pound . . . for a total of 12 pounds lost. Every pound counts . . . and since I haven’t been that strict on myself this time around . . . I guess I’m doing an ok job. I know I can do better though . . . I just need to push myself a little harder . . . I don’t have time for excuses . . . I only have time for results!